So I am the last person awake in the campsite tonight. I am ALWAYS the last one up.
It got me to thinking about how I used to always be the last person doing drugs when everyone else was done. I always wanted the last line.
It has been many many years since I have done any drugs but I'm still an extremist. I am in a constant battle with myself. I struggle so much with balance. I am either ALL the way in or ALL the way out.
I border on obsession with everything. Back when I was a smoker I used to smoke two packs a day. When I was a heavy drinker I would be the one who drank the whole bottle (I'm talking 26'er ), when I was doing drugs you could guess who wanted that last line.
I dropped ALL of those things, The year I met Jeff I have been clean for 12 years. But that doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with addiction. I am also addicted to sugar, a more common "drug". I struggle with body dysmorphic disorder. I am SO hard on myself, and nothing I ever do is good enough.
Everything day I have to make a CHOICE to be healthy, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Some days I win, and somedays I lose.
There's a quote in the Bible that makes me think often about myself and my life...
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
I struggle to practice the things I preach, which is WHY I preach them.
The best way to LEARN something, is to TEACH it.
I still need to learn :
To forgive myself
That food is fuel and not my enemy
Not to pour from an empty cup
To put God, and my family first
To set a guard over my mouth
I am SO imperfect.
What I know for certain is:
that I am a fighter. That I am determined as hell to succeed. I will never give up the fight.
I am fired by passion. I want to be a living example for my children. I WILL leave a legacy behind of good things. I was MADE to encourage others.
The reason I am bearing my soul to you, is because I KNOW I am speaking to someone out there that is like me. Someone who NEEDS encouragement. Someone who needs to hear that they CAN do it. Someone who needs to know that it WILL get better.
It doesn't matter where you are at today, what matters is where you want to go tomorrow and that you never quit trying to get there.
We never fail, until we totally quit.
DON'T QUIT. Don't you ever fucking quit!